The Overlooked Boundary Everyone Needs: One With Yourself
You can set and reinforce boundaries for everyone else, but how well can you set internal boundaries with yourself? Here are 4 questions that can get you started in how you can improve.
Internal boundaries are simply another way of describing how disciplined you are with yourself.
But whatever you call them, they are NOT easy to set and follow.
I say this as someone who still has areas that I can work on when it comes to my self-discipline, but I know I’ve came a long way from where I started.
What about you?
How well can you set boundaries with yourself to follow the rules that you want to follow for yourself?
Do you struggle with this?
We have to set clear boundaries with others about how to interact with us AND we also have to have that same energy with the goals we have for ourselves.
I read in a book one time, (and you know if I could remember the title I would but I can’t sadly; please know that it is truly bothering me that I can’t) that one of the ways that you can build up your self-esteem is simply by following through on the promises that you make to yourself.
And it makes sense! Of course, you don’t feel that good about yourself! You don’t stop yourself from doom scrolling to work on that new hobby that you said you were interested in. You don’t stop yourself from ordering takeout when you said you wanted to build up your savings account. You don’t ask for grilled fish instead of fried fish when you said you wanted to eat healthier. You don’t stop yourself from drinking after 2 drinks when you said you would when you went out that night.
Any of this sound familiar? Yes? Well don’t feel bad because I’ve been in the same boat with you!
Boundaries in general are hard to set and even harder to reinforce in my opinion. But it’s not impossible! It just takes work just like any other skill to build up.
Let’s start you off small in improving your internal boundaries with a few questions. Think about the internal boundaries that you want to establish that you’re still struggling with and answer the following questions. (Be honest with yourself too as that’s the only way that you’ll improve!)
Question #1: What activities take up your time instead of the activities that you need to do?
Sometimes we end up participating or doing things that are empty actions. They’re not necessarily contributing to our lives in any way, but they are stealing our time. In my opinion, dome scrolling is one of them. That’s when you find yourself just scrolling along on Instagram or TikTok or any social media platform really as a way to procrastinate from doing something else. Time will fly by as you dome scroll!
Or maybe social media isn’t the problem for you and rather it’s binge watching TV or movies. One episode after the next keeps coming on that you’re locked in but never reaching to turn the TV off. You only realize what time it is when the streaming platform checks to see if you’re sleep because even it is surprised of how long you’ve been watching!
Whatever that distraction may be, remember just how much time it’s sucking up. You can’t complain that there isn’t enough time in the day when Apple is telling you that you could have had a whole 24 hours of free time by the end of the week if you weren’t scrolling so much. (I definitely have had that discovery of myself before, and it blew my mind when I realized it!)
So take note of what activities you need to cut back on just to have the time to do the things that you said you wanted to do. You don’t have to cut it out completely, but at least do a baby step of a small cut here or there. Maybe you limit your social media time to one hour a day. Maybe you limit yourself to only one episode of a show a day. What could that look like for you to ease you off of those habits?
Question #2: Are there any gaps or conflicts in your daily routine that causes this to be difficult for you to focus on your boundary?
The best way I can explain this question is through an illustration. Imagine me, getting off work and let me tell you, I’m tired! Maybe I had a few coaching clients AND I had to facilitate a team workshop. As an introvert, as much as I have built up my muscle in public speaking, that doesn’t mean that I get energy from doing it. It’s the fastest way for my energy to drain as much as I do enjoy it. So if I get home, I don’t want to do a thing.
BUT I want to follow my internal boundary to cook so that I not only would have food for dinner but also for lunch the next day. I had to realize that allowing myself to sit on my couch as soon as I get home was not going to help me. That was a conflict! Because you know exactly what happened next:
Suckered into binging a tv show
Taking a nap on my couch because it starts feeling so comfy and cozy
End up doom scrolling on my phone
Before I know it, it’s 8pm and I haven’t cooked a thing. I’m hungry but don’t want to be up late cooking. I could grab takeout, but I need to stay up a bit to let it digest or else I won’t sleep well so now I miss my bedtime that I need to follow to get up in time for my morning routine.
Do you see the domino effect in this?
So what conflicts are in your daily routine that’s making it even harder for you to be disciplined? I had to stop sitting down as soon as I walked in the house. Instead I go change into something comfortable for around the house and immediately go cook. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go into that kitchen and cook a healthy meal so that I can stay on track not only with my financial goals and my health goals, but just my nighttime routine in general.
Take a look at what habits you follow that tends to make it even harder for you to be disciplined. It may be as simple a sitting on the couch!
Question #3: Is there anything that you do out of habit and not out of necessity?
There are some habits that are so ingrained in our brain that we don’t even recognize it until we slow down and really analyze the situation.
I use to have a bad habit of putting my lunch bag on the table next to my work bag when I got off from work. I really didn’t think much of it either! I go about my day doing my usual routines. The next day when I’m getting ready for work, I realize that I never took out the dishes that were in my lunch bag to wash when I did the dishes that night before. So now I have some stinky dishes that I need to clean out of my bag before I put the ones for my lunch that day.
To break that habit, I made myself clean out my lunch bag as soon as I got home and put it next to my work bag. I use to put my lunch bag away afterwards, but another habit I had was forgetting my lunch at home! If I saw my empty cleaned out lunch bag next to my work bag, it nudges me to remember “oh let me pack my lunch so that I’ll have it today”.
Do you see what I mean by this? Some things we simply do out of habit without thinking, and it’s not helping us in the long run. So what are some habits that you are doing that are a bit empty as it doesn’t help you in any way but perhaps you can use the same amount of energy in that habit to do things differently so that you can adhere to your internal boundaries.
Question #4: Are there any specific times or places where you are excessively engaged in an activity that tends to override your boundaries?
Aww yes! Timing and your environment can play a huge role in how well you are following your internal boundaries.
Here’s another example from my own life. I put my best effort into trying to get up at 5:30am in the morning so that I have time to pray/read my bible, do my workout routine, sit in the sauna, and then shower/get dressed for work. I can do this successfully in that amount of time…unless I start scrolling on my phone.
Now it should be obvious to me of how much a trap that can be, but honey, I was falling for it over and over again. I’ll see a notification of something that was said to me on social media last night. I go to engage with it. Then I see something is trending that piques my interest and now I’m down the rabbit hole about it until I see a video of a a content creator that made a really funny video about the situation. Now I’m clicking on that content creator’s IG profile to see the other funny videos that they’ve done. Then I see a notification from my email that my favorite online store is having a sale. Of course I want to see what’s on sale! Now I’m scrolling through what’s new on their website.
Before I know it, almost an hour has passed by. Now I have to cut something out of my morning routine that I got up on time for but will have to miss. All of this because I ended up excessively engaging in something during a time that I needed to buckle down and follow my routine.
So now I have a rule for myself and that is to not check social media until I have finished with everything within my morning routine. That keeps me from going off the deep end and doing things that will disrupt the habits that I’m trying to follow.
Are there any times of day where you really need to buckle down to limit distractions?
Are you overestimating your ability to focus by going to that coffee shop or that hotel lobby or that restaurant to get that task done because you can easily get distracted with talking to the other people there?
Can you really do that task while listening to music? Because if you keep missing things or have to redo them because you got too deeply caught up singing the chorus of that Xavier Omar’s song then maybe, JUST MAYBE, you might want to adjust to honor that internal boundary.
I hope these questions can help you think through your own circumstances around your internal boundaries as I believe it can give you a good start of understanding what exactly you might need to adjust first so that you can have better consistency.
However at the end of the day, make sure you’re giving yourself grace. Setting boundaries with ourselves can be hard. It’s a lot of trial and error especially if you’re trying to replace a habit that you’ve had for years. Be patient with yourself but also acknowledge how you may be getting in your own way.
Which one of these questions stood out to you when you think about how you’re trying to be more disciplined to follow your internal boundaries?
