Boundaries Without Guilt
Three practical tips for people who care too much about everyone else's feelings
The most popular fear around boundaries I hear about in my talent development experience is a fear of how setting a boundary would make the other person feel. Are you in that same boat friend?
Does boundaries feel like a heavy word to you riddled with confrontation and makes you dread addressing it?
To many, it does. You’re not alone. A lot of people struggle with setting boundaries with others as it can take them out of their comfort zone of always trying to just be the peacemaker. Which is admirable right? Being a peacemaker is a good thing, right?
Okay, but what about how you feel?
What about the reasons you already have that has even brought you to the point of deciding you need a boundary?
Does that just…go away because you care more about the feelings of that other person than your own feelings?
Now if your initial reaction causes you to downplay those feelings, that’s not good.
This sounds like you telling yourself to “suck it up” or that it’s really not THAT big of a deal. And you may go on to talk about ways that you can ignore it or adjust around it.
Which leads me to my next favorite wellbeing saying when it comes to boundaries: “My feelings matter just as much as theirs.”
The pain, the discomfort, the hurt that you’re feeling is real. So to downplay that so that you can keep someone else comfortable and happy doesn’t add up.
And I’ll take it a step further: Do you love yourself enough? Do you honor your needs? What is this saying about your self-esteem?
Who will advocate for you if you don’t even advocate for yourself? Please, don’t be the person that advocates for everyone else except yourself.
I don’t want you to be the person that can’t seem to see how much boundaries is not only a wellbeing essential but also is a demonstrated way of how much you love and care for yourself as a human being.
Which leads me to three tips that I wanted to share with you of how to set boundaries without allowing guilt to stop you in the process.
Get comfortable with being your biggest advocate and embrace the fact that you can’t make everyone happy.
You have to advocate for yourself. When a restaurant gets your order wrong. When the doctor declines that test that you feel that you need. When that person assumes that you’ll just jump in and take care of everything for them. You should be your biggest advocate. There should not be a scenario where someone is a bigger advocate for you than you are for yourself.
By being one, you’re showing that you’re meant to be respected. That you deserve respect.
So when you don’t advocate for yourself and instead yield to trying to please everyone else, you’re teaching people to not respect you.
You’re teaching people to not pay attention to your pain. You’re teaching people to not prioritize your needs. You’re teaching people to ignore you.
Is that what you want to teach people?
Are you genuinely okay with that?
No like seriously. Take a moment. Reflect on that.
Because if you do love yourself. If you do have health levels of self-esteem. If you do respect yourself. That should never be the case.
Also remember that you can’t control how they feel regardless of what you do. You could still do everything they expect and it will still not be enough. So why should you dismiss your pain so that they don’t have to adjust? That’s foundational people pleasing.
Not everyone is going to be happy with you. In fact some people will paint you as a villain simply for not doing what they want you to do. And you have to get comfortable of accepting that you can’t control the narrative that they tell themselves about you. Because if you don’t, you’ll be in a prison of trying to please them by prioritizing everything they need and nothing of what you need. And what miserable life that can be.
Don’t choose that for yourself. I want you to want better for yourself.
Have empathy. Don’t swing to the opposite extreme.
I just felt a need with this article, to ensure I highlight how sometimes people can take this advice to the extreme. The use of something can be healthy but overuse of anything can still be toxic.
So what I mean is, don’t come off as rude or entitled when you’re setting your boundary. You can objectively state what your boundary is. You do not need to name call or put down the other person as you do it. That’s completely unnecessary even if you truly believe it. Emotional intelligence is needed in these times.
How I explain what this line looks like in action is to just ask yourself, how can I be kind to this person but still respect my needs and feelings?
What does kindness sound like in boundary setting?
First remember that a calm tone and conversational volume can set the stage so that the other person can be receptive. How you say things matters just as much as what you say. It’s a proactive way to help calm in defensiveness that can rise when you’re expressing your boundary.
Kindness also opts into trying to be thoughtful about the timing in sharing the boundary. Doing it in front of an audience of people is not the way to go if possible. Try finding a time that is private and before the boundary needs to go into effect. That gives them time to process it and it’s away from additional noise of other people that can make the situation worse.
Then if there’s a middle ground or an alternative that you’re comfortable with, why not offer it. Now this can be tricky. Be sure that you’re not allowing the person to talk you into ignoring your boundary. I would even say only do this with people that you know for sure that won’t try to take advantage of you.
When you set that boundary, kindness is making sure that you’re still showing up for that person as a friend. Yes you may have said no to going to bars with them but you take the initiative to reach out when there’s a festival that you’d like to invite them to or if there’s a really nice restaurant that you’re more comfortable going to.
Kindness is also being objective in describing what you need and avoiding emotionally charged up language especially that has negative connotations. Try to avoid triggering words that would cause offense.
And remember that it’s being sure that you suddenly don’t become weird about it. Move forward like it’s just another day and everything is still the same. You don’t have to move differently in how you communicate and interact with that person just because you set a boundary around something unrelated to your daily interactions unless it actually has something to do with your daily interactions.
You can certainly still be kind but be an advocate for yourself and respectful to others that you set expectations with. It’s possible!
Practice setting boundaries with lower stakes.
Boundary setting is a skill. And just like every other skill, you will need practice at it.
So I suggest starting off on easy mode. Find a low touch easy situation that isn’t emotionally charged up to start working on setting boundaries. Get comfortable doing that before you go to a more difficult situation.
That means start with setting a boundary with your best friend asking if the restaurants you both go to for girls night out can be a place an offers healthier options for you to eat. Easy enough!
Start there instead of jumping directly into setting boundaries with your parent about the involuntary advice they give you. This helps you build a bit of confidence as well.
Also there are related skills to boundary setting that can help ease your feelings. The two main ones that I would recommend is emotional intelligence and conflict resolution. You can’t go wrong in working on your skills in those areas so that boundary conversations become easier.
I hope those 3 recommendations are helpful as you prep yourself to set boundaries with others. Remember that being assertive about what you need is confidence in action. You can deliver confidence and self-esteem in a kind way. It may take some practice but before you know it, it’ll become second nature.
So what is a boundary that you’ve been putting off on setting lately? Ask yourself why that is. Is it people pleasing related? Because if so, that’s all the more of a reason that it’s time to prioritize that boundary setting conversation.
Remember that your feelings matters just as much as theirs. So act like it, friend. Have the conversation.
I know this can be challenging especially if you have built a habit over the years to not do this. I understand that it can be scary and uncomfortable. But in building any skill, there will be phases of uneasiness. Embrace it knowing that this will help you to break your people pleasing habits and honor what you need.
Advocating for yourself is you expressing that love and appreciation you have for yourself as a human being. You’re worth doing that for. So please, believe that for yourself.
Warmly with a cup of tea,
Rachel
